Monday, July 21, 2014
About two years and four months ago, I sat on a slightly reclined bed while an ultra sound tech put jelly on my belly, slid a wand over it, and looked at the screen. "I think I had a miscarriage," I said, "But I still have pregnancy symptoms." Pause. "You're still pregnant," she said. "Listen, you can hear the heartbeat." Wop-wop-wop-wop. On the screen was a little wriggly mass.
How could this be? A week and a half earlier, I had a miscarriage. I knew it. All sorts of emotions of sadness, failure, yearning, and weirdness swirled around in my head. But there was nothing to be done. I started drinking wine and coffee again. I went to NYC with Justin to visit my brother. On the way there, I barfed. I felt gross, exhausted, and everything I had been feeling while pregnant. What was going on? (Come to find out later, I probably miscarried a twin. But I'll never know for sure.)
I could not believe I was still pregnant. It was an unseasonably warm day in March. I biked over to Milk and Honey Market, feeling free as a bird, and sat outside with an iced mocha. I called Justin. Called my mom. Called my sister. Texted the two friends I had already told. That feeling of sitting outside with my iced mocha and sharing the good news (again) with family and friends will never leave me. It's one of those memories that is burned in my mind.
Today, I biked to the central library with Evelyn. It is my favorite branch. Going to the central library makes me feel like a city girl because it is grand, bustling, and close to downtown. Evelyn loves going to the children's section. Sometimes we go to story time; today we were just going to get books for our upcoming trip. We took the steps down and counted them: "Wan, too, free, fo, fai, sick, seb'n, eight, nain, ten!" I paused at the bottom and picked up a few Dr. Seuss books. Evelyn grabbed one too and ran down the hall to see her favorite indoor fountain with large goldfish swimming in it. I followed behind. I grabbed a few other books, set down my backpack, and heard her chortle in her deep voice: "Wah ha ha haaah!" I turned around and saw, with horror, the hardcover Dr. Seuss book floating in the fountain. She was pointing to it with delight. "Nooooo! We don't put books in the water!" I fanned it out and hoped it would dry. The kind librarian said don't worry, it happens all the time.
Afterward, we walked up to Milk and Honey, the same place I had gone two plus years ago when I found out I was still pregnant with her. I had told Evelyn we were going there to get a mocha, and that I had brought some peaches for her. She calls them apricots ("ack-cots") and she was very eager to eat them. I ordered my mocha and a croissant and we sat outside in the warm sun and enjoyed being together.
It is strange to think back to when she didn't exist. She makes life both hard and wonderful. Everything takes extra effort with her. But when I truly see her (which, thankfully, is most of the time) everything is extra special because of her. At almost two, she is an even mix of dependency and independence. She delights in making messes. She also delights in helping to clean them up. This morning, she was standing on her stool and doing dishes (read: playing dumpy dumpy). I bent down to put something away, then stood up and she was in the sink. Whoops.
Tomorrow we set out for a week-long vacation. Deep Creek Lake with my in-laws for three nights, then camping in upstate New York with my family for three nights. There will be many hours of driving filled with Dr. Seuss and BabyBug, wiggle waggle finger games, soothing fussy tears, and snacks. Traveling without a toddler is easier. Traveling with one is so hard, but so worth it. I am glad she's here.
Homemade Iced Mocha
Brew one shot of espresso, or stove top espresso, or about 1/4 cup of double strength coffee. Let cool for a bit. Heat water to boiling, and use about two tablespoons of it to whisk into 2 tablespoons of drinking chocolate (as opposed to hot chocolate mix that usually has powdered milk added). When you have a paste of water and chocolate, add espresso/coffee. Fill a glass with ice, add coffee chocolate mixture, and finish with whole milk.
Here is what else has been cooking in my kitchen
- Baba Ganoush
- Lavender Scones
- Olive Oil and Coconut Brownies
- Braised Fennel and White Beans
- American Sandwich Bread (used half whole wheat)
Thanks for reading, and have a great week.
Monday, July 14, 2014
We camped for a night last week at Greenbrier State Park in western Maryland, close to Virginia and West Virginia. Justin very much wanted to camp just the three of us this summer. We are going later with my family, but that may involve many things to do and a little bit of chaos, in spite of the fun times that are sure to be had. So I cooked and packed, and Justin packed and loaded, and Evelyn flitted around and made messes. We arrived at 10:30 am on Thursday, stayed through the following afternoon, and then visited Harper's Ferry in West Virginia before heading home on Friday evening. It was a quick trip, but so worth the effort. We relaxed, we swam, we hiked, we ran, we built a fire, made s'mores, watched fireflies, and loved every minute of being outside.
A major perk of Greenbrier State Park, and this whole area of Maryland, really, is that in July, there are wild raspberries. Everywhere. I was ecstatic. They were along the pathways, in the woods, at the side of the road. I made it my mission to pick every ripe berry I could find. When I closed my eyes I saw raspberries. I became a little obsessed.
Monday, July 7, 2014
On Saturday, June 28th, Justin and I celebrated our six year anniversary. When I say "celebrated," what comes to mind? Romantic dinner, wine, time alone...nope. We actually forgot to say happy anniversary to each other until about 1 pm that afternoon. Here is how our day went.
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
The more I started cooking from scratch, the more I became unsatisfied with many packaged, processed foods. Not all, of course. There are still some good ones out there. But take hamburger rolls. I don't like them very much. They're either too mushy, or too sweet, or too dry, or too bread-y. I would never eat them without something inside of them, and I don't think bread should be that way. So earlier this week when I knew we were having burgers, I found a great burger bun recipe online and made it. It was incredible. I would eat the bun on its own. And it transformed my burger.
I realize that not every meal can be a transcendent experience, and there are times that you just have to eat (real) food to quell your hunger and keep you going. As much as possible, though, I attempt to cook from scratch and enjoy every part of my meal.
Monday, May 12, 2014
I have an interesting relationship with food. Not only do I consume it, but sometimes it consumes me. When I finish my coffee in the morning, I think, "I can't wait til my afternoon cup of coffee." If I have dessert, I think, "Just one more bite, and then I'll be satisfied. Just one last cookie, and then I'll be set." If I have a plate of good food, I sometimes finish the whole plate of food, even if my belly was full after only half a plate. I love to talk about food. It's a safe subject that most people are interested in. I read recipes like a book. I stockpile dessert recipes because I want to eat the finished products.
My late twenties brought about my food renaissance. I learned about real food, bought locally, and memorized the "dirty dozen" and "clean fifteen" lists for organic produce. I signed up for my first CSA (Community Supported Agriculture) and nearly turned vegetarian overnight in order to not let any veggies go to waste. I helped establish a farm in my neighborhood. I ate less meat because the good stuff was too expensive to buy regularly. Reading these last few sentences, I wonder what happened to the girl in college who thought free/cheap food was the most important factor.
I also got into baking. Weekly baking, which produced lovely muffins, bread, cake, cookies. It didn't make a difference on my I'm-still-in-my-twenties body. I exercised regularly, and figured anything extra would just burn off. Then I turned thirty. And had a baby. Even on my awesome 40-60 minutes a day workout plan, I cannot just eat whatever I want anymore, and especially not in whatever quantity I want. Ah, thirties.
It also got me to thinking that eating beyond the feeling of fullness is simply a waste. A waste in my body, a waste in dollars, and a waste in food production. I got used to food having power over me. "That is a cookie. You love cookies. Eat that cookie." Even if I had already eaten three cookies. It's so stupid! I am trying to take back the power by changing my thinking about food. I truly delight in eating good food, but when I give food too much power, it consumes me, and I feel guilty. By changing my thinking, I eat more balanced, and I enjoy it so much more.
This has not come about suddenly. I have been pondering these things for a couple of years. When I start to feel like I'm spinning out of control, I ask myself, "Why do I want to keep eating? What will it accomplish? What void am I trying to fill?" Usually I can identify something that is pushing me to want to snack or keep eating when not hungry. It is often stress or anxiety. Or tiredness.
In light of all of these food thoughts, I typed some one-liners into my phone to refer to when I feel the need. I'd like to share them with you. I showed Justin, too, and he was amused, because he does not have such a complicated relationship with food. Here goes:
Monday, March 24, 2014
Saturday was a beautiful day with clear skies, a gusty warm wind, and everyone and their brother outside. We all three of us went to the playground in the park. Me, Justin, and Evelyn. Evelyn happily kicked her legs as we pushed her in the stroller. She pointed at random things and said, "Hi!" to people way far away. We enjoyed the togetherness and sun. "Isn't it so nice to be together?" I asked Evelyn as we set out on our playground adventure. She looked like she was thinking seriously, and then said, "Yeah." I think she knew what I was asking.
The playground was crawling with kids, to be expected. Evelyn hustled up there with the big kids. She is as tall as most two-year-olds. She got to the top of the biiiiiiig slide. A parent was up there among the taller, older, noisy kids. She pointed to Evelyn, and pointed to me, and I nodded. "She's about to go down the twirly slide. You see her? She's gonna go down." "That's ok!" I yelled. "My husband is at the bottom. He's going to catch her." Down she went, over and over and over again. The look of sheer delight as she came zooming down the slide thrilled me. She literally caught some air off the end as she sailed in my arms and I swooped her high in the air. "Again?" I asked. "Yeah!" she said, her back already to me.
So what does this have to do with the short list? Nothing. I just wanted to share.
I've been thinking lately about what I would serve someone with just a few hours notice. Which recipe would I take out of my bag of tricks? What dish never fails? I wanted to create a short list of go to recipes that I tend to use weekly. As I browsed through my past blog entries and through my cookbooks, the listed started to get too long. So I broke it down into breakfast and dessert, with a lunch/dinner list to come later.
Monday, March 3, 2014
Justin and I signed up for dance lessons. It has been a dream of mine for years. We both love to dance, but he didn't know how to lead, and I didn't know how to teach him to lead. Our dance package includes six private lessons, six group lessons, and three "parties" (and the parties start at 7:00 pm -- that's our type of party these days). In addition to learning how to dance, this turns out to be fifteen guaranteed dates. Whee! Saturday morning dates are fine by me. We get dressed up, just a little. He wears cologne. I put on makeup. Our dance lesson is preceded or followed by a trip to Atwater's for coffee and pastries.We love to sit at the bar and watch the baristas flurrying around. The waiters bustle orders out to diners at tables. We share chocolate croissants, triple ginger muffins, and mini loaf cakes. We love the pour over coffee, and I love the pretty mugs they come in. It is fun to have toddler-free time together.
Have you ever partner-danced before? The most important rule is: he leads, she follows. It doesn't work to have both lead, or both follow, or to switch off who leads and who follows. One would crash into the other time and again (alas, this was us at many weddings...until now). At lessons, it is so relaxing for me. I get to zone out and become like putty. All I can do is follow Justin's lead. He, on the other hand, is doing all the learning and thinking. It is fun to watch his eyes narrow with concentration and his tongue stick sideways. He has gotten better with not looking at his shoes, but now he will often look at me without actually seeing me. His mind is on the steps and the beat.